Dad, seriously, WTF is up with “all of the above”?

….because adults won’t say it, and kids can’t afford to leave it unsaid…..

Dad,

Remember how you made me sit and watch that Black-Eyed Peas video of Yes We Can over and over again?  Remember how you blubbered for like a month after President Obama was elected?

So Dad, dude, how did we get from there to an “All of the above” energy policy?  That was the other guy’s platform!

I saw Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Scarlett Johansson singing Yes We Can in that video.  (Uh-huh, that worked for you, didn’t it?)   But I did not see John McCain singing “Yes We Can drill everywhere.”   So now does “all of the above” mean “Yes We Can…..do any crazy stuff that anybody wants to do?”  Sweet!  Par-tay, America!

Dad, c’mon, this is your guy, the guy whose freaky blue and red image you plastered all over the fridge and the bathroom walls.  Wasn’t he supposed to get serious about dealing with climate change (finally!).  Were y’all just smokin’ Hope?

BTW Pops, how’s your memory holding out?  Because Mr. All-of-the-above used to be the guy who was going to deliver “the moment when the rise of the oceans began to slow and our planet began to heal.”  His opponents mock him relentlessly for saying this.  Liberal “realists” say it was “extravagant,” “high-flying,” “over-reach.”

But yo!  While you geezers are debating whether this language was “messianic” or just “arrogant,” the rise of the actual oceans is accelerating as we continue to burn more fossil fuels.  Do you have any idea how much this will suck ?  Check out how much it already sucks for Mohamed Nasheed, the President of the Maldives, whose country is all like glub, glub.  You’re worrying whether President Obama needs to tone it down in view of the political realities, but the physical reality of climate disruption is hitting the fan and harshing out my future.

And Daaad, don’t even start in with me about how we have to be patient now and just hold our noses while he says whatever he has to say to get re-elected.  You and all your Politico-heads think you’re sooooo savvy but you’re pathetic; you actually believe you “win” when your candidate gets more votes by adopting the opponent’s position!  Dad, for real, if you bake my planet, do you think I’ll be consoled by the thought that the political alternative might have baked it a little faster?  Geez, if you’re gonna toast us, might as well just do it fast and crispy.  (Oh, and yeah dog, don’t bother trying to get me to ride a bike the next time I ask for the car keys.)

I know the President’s campaign team has polled the living crap out of “all of the above” and I’m sure it kills.  (Duh.  It’s like asking a Reese’s junkie whether she wants peanut butter or chocolate.)  But maybe they could just qualify it a little , like, “All of the above….except stuff that leads to a climate future that ‘is incompatible with an organized global community, is likely to be beyond ‘adaptation’, is devastating to the majority of ecosystems, and has a high probability of not being stable’.”

Because, y’know, that might suck enough to justify rethinking a few of the above.  Huh, Dad?

With love but zero patience,

Your kid

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